its__her

so i haven't updated in a billion years...

2005-10-30T21:29:19Z

not really anything on my mind at this point...besides him. he makes me unbelieveably happy. =)

halloween is bomb! i'm anticipating so much right now....=) can't wait till montreal!!!! =D

....

2005-10-10T11:57:11Z

keep yourself looking out for yourself...cause ain't nobody else will.
you can keep calling them your girls. but none of them are real.
i know this because girls are tricks. girls are no good bitches.
even the ones that are closest to you, stab you in the back any chance they get to as long as it benefits themselves.
no good bitches, get tha fuck outta my life.

holay crap.

2005-10-02T21:10:32Z

i haven't updated in FOREVER!!! but anyway, i've been clubbing a little too much lately. shiet...haha

on friday, we ended up reaching afterlife for MISTER LEO's birthday! it was pretty good...got pretty touched by all the alki-hall. shiet, $2 drinks did it that night though. 5 shots and a few cocktails within the first half hour. hahahaha damn. then yesterday went to dinner with tha ladies & juiced at a bar...too tired to write anymore. was a damn good weekend overall =D

i haven't updated for a while...

2005-09-19T03:30:45Z

so on wednesday, I ended up going to yorkdale with izzy afterschool. then met up with jei and we all went downtown to izzy's work. then went to jei's work where i met erwin.

thursday decided to skip the afternoon and went to chill with erwin downtown...watched a movie

friday went to chill with erwin again. then went to DISTRIKT with tha ladies. oh man...not much more i can say.

saturday..chilled with ERWIN lol then yorkdale with cousin. then metro. then downtown again with erwin. lol jeez i see this guy too much.

oh so if you all haven't figured. erwin's tha boyfriend =)

My first day at school...

2005-09-14T02:46:03Z

Boy, is this depressing or what? I'm supposed to be in university but instead, I'm back in high school for another semester. I am SO disappointed in myself...oh well, at least i'll be done after this semester! SO...i got Canadian Identity and Society Studies, Writer's Craft (again...upgrading this shit...not leaving without at least an 85!), Law, and English. Full of writing, my favourite thing to do =).

So today was my firstday this year...wasn't too bad. haha I met a girl! lol some viet girl that I seen around tha school. Turns out she thought I was a complete snob because of tha way i looked...why is it that I always seem to give people that impression? haha it's just too funny. but oh well, she's cool =).

Damn, three weeks left till Jhoy's gone =(. I'll miss you baby!!! have fun in the phillipines...bring me back some sexy fake stuff ;) haha take care of yourself and don't eat too much over there.

so it's my birthday today...

2005-09-12T13:46:47Z

thank you everyone for the birthday wishes. all the notes, testimonials, test messages, phone calls, msn names and messages. thank you for the gifts, the sweet surprises, the drinks and everything...you're all too good to me =)

food don't even taste the same no more...it used to be my favourite but now, when i eat it i only think of you and it taste more bitter than anything else. I only wish that you could be by my side to eat with me. I wish I could come to your house and just lay beside you. I wish I could feel the warmth of your hug again...how I miss you so.

I know at the time, I didn't treat you with the love you deserved. You didn't either.. but for some reason, you were the best to me. Being with you gave me a reason to wake up every morning because I knew there was someone waiting for me when I got up. The nights when I would worry about you, hurt about you...I would do it all again to get you by my side again. I guess no one really understands the pain that I've endured. Sometimes, it's as if it's too much that I don't even feel it anymore. That's when that "who gives a fuck" mood sets into my system...

I mean, don't get me wrong...I'm not unhappy...but I'm not happy either. This summer was by far the best summer I've ever had...I don't know if I would have been willing to give that up to be with you though. There's a lot that I would put up with, that I would take in to be with you...but there's not a lot that I would want to give up...does that mean I don't love you? After so long, I still wonder if you miss me. & really, not meaning to sound cocky, but I know why she's jealous. It's because she knows, and you know very much so, that she will never ever come close to making you love her the way that you once did me.

You & I were in love. Not for any specific reasons, but we were in love to a point where no words could ever explain how deeply it meant to the both of us. You were my pain...but also my cure. You were my sweet misery...

....hmm...so,

2005-09-10T19:09:25Z

boys are assholes & like to lie. all i need to say.

afterlife was definitely dead last night. but that's okay, cause you girl livened up tha scene. love you girls for coming out yesterday though it wasn't tha best...you guys made it worth it. and thank you mikey for coming out. you got wasted! haaaa

overall, the night was pretty good....one thing ruined it. really ruined it...but all good cause it's best that i know now rather than finding out later. funny thing is i thought this was genuine. oh well, time to move on.

its__her @ 2005-09-08T01:09:00

2005-09-08T05:24:56Z

nothing can justify my actions nor can it justify the way i did feel at a certain moment in time. but isn't the point here, the fact that i never acted upon my emotions? i mean, people always have the urge to want to kill others but they never act upon them, am i right? so isn't it about the same thing in my position? people think things, but they never react. they think it over, realize that it's wrong and try to make the best of what they can. i mean, i tried to make things right, but in the end, it seems that i only caused things to become more twisted for everyone...including myself.

why i never learn to shut my mouth? i don't know... i don't know why i had to bring anything up to him...everything was fine but i had to tell him. and for the very first time in a long while, i began to really miss someone...and really began to like him. not just for certain attributes, but for all that i know and learned. he is the perfect gentlemen from what i can see. i met him only recently...i don't know why this is hurting me so much? oh man...i feel like...crying right now. i haven't felt this in a very long time...oh man...i screwed up.

i hate the fact that i know he thinks different of me now. oh man... this sucks. i'm sorry. i hope you stick around to see who i really am...if not, i guess it was good knowing you for the short time that i did. wow, i can't believe how emotional this is getting me...

Never let a good thing go to waste

2005-09-07T05:14:04Z

Connection is beautiful. To see and feel a connection between to people, to be able to experience what has come about between two people, to be able to be in the presence of something made and shared and true...it's amazing.

He saw her. She saw him. They saw each other...& who would've thought that for that split second, that little spark between them would become something great in the future. Who would have known that just because of that single instant, love would grow between them. No one expected much out of it, not even the two of them. & they say all good things come to an end...but do they really have to? What was once between them had come back to him but not to her. Ever since he hurt her that very last time, she became aware of all the negative energies that surrounded her being. For she told herself, never again would she fall so deeply, so quickly again. But to him...in his eyes, she was everything. She was the moon lighting up his entire world at night. She was the sparkle in his eye every morning when he woke up. The love he felt for her was overwhelming, and he, himself, could not explain why he felt this way. He knew how badly hurt she was by his previous actions...he, too, was hurt because only when they were separated...only then, did he realize that he was in love.

She had kept to herself throughout the years that they had not communicated...and though she had been with others, never did she feel as deeply with them as she did with him. & though the others had done things 10 times worse, she was never as hurt by them as much as she was by him. The day he walked back in her life, she promised herself that she wouldn't fall for him again. The day she walked back in his life, he promised himself that he would do anything in his power to take away all her pain. He cherished her...put her on a pedestal. She burned all the pictures they ever took...threw away everything they ever had...tried and destroyed every memory the ever shared. He now realizes...but it was too late. He broke her heart...& no one knew except for her...that the pieces of her shattered heart will never be able to mend again...

my summer definitely did it for me...

2005-09-05T14:02:06Z

i bussed down to my aunt's place yesterday and got a ride up to hamilton from her friend with her to go see my cousin (who btw, is in jail). was real good seeing him again. he got a lot taller and a lot bigger...didn't think he would but he seems to be doing good in there. hopefully he learned his lesson.
so after i saw him, i called trung (the guy i met two days ago at afterlife) and he & hotsauce jr came nd picked me up. we walked around this place kinda like harbour front, but in hamilton. was really nice...got to know him a little better.
then i went to hot sauce jrs house so that he could ready. we left to pick up their boy and got ready to reach tha club. picked up michelle...changed in tha car, picked up my id and hit up republik.
saw a few of tha same faces i seen at afterlife. saw vu & loc...chris, rachel, mitchell, christian. then all of a sudden i see MY BROTHER'S GF so i KNEW he was in there. i got so scared and pretty much tried to avoid him the entire night. but it was good because i didn't run into him.
then i seen some guy around all night and he looked kinda familiar cause i thought he looked like loc but it wasn't him. and later i realized that it was izzy's boyfriend! so i went up to him and asked him if his name was hien and if he was from london and if he was izzy's boyfrined! haha it was pretty funny...but yeah. the night was...great. definitely a GREAT way to end my summer...
there are some details i'd like to keep to myself also =P

My Big BANG of a birthday celebration.

2005-09-04T05:28:38Z

SO let's start off by saying my birthday is not until NEXT MONDAY...but i wanted to celebrate it before the summer ends.

my day started with me waking up at 2. loafted then went to shoppers with the mother to buy drinks & things. went to pick up camille at the bus stop but she ended up at the WRONG one cause she took the wrong bus! lol silly girl. went to get sarah from the other bus stop and went home. got changed quick and got my brother to drive me to emjhay's to pick up her id for jhoy.

we got dropped off at eglinton station and bussed down to queen for korean bbq. All the ladies were already there except us & gracie. so we all started off eating. picked up grace about half an hour later. had nuff jokes during dinner...everyone seemed to get along. it was good =) then all of a sudden all the lights go off. me being slow thinks * OMG POWER OUTAGE? and is ee sally coming out with a cake and candles...it was SUCH a surprise...oh man. YOU LADIES ARE THE BEST!!! I LOVE YOU GUYS! had the whole top floor of the restaurant sing me happy birthday. then we dipped

went back to my house and changed. called the cab and ended up down there at around 11:30. Met up with Mysh & tree and cut in line with grace's friends. got my vip and went into the club. drank. danced the night away. ran into a lot of people...(bill, leo, tom, jamie, jhules, vivian, ray, rachel, chris, thai, steven, jason, vicky, christian, brian, richard, raymond, and that's all i can remember for now) danced the night away....

so i grab raymond (mr exlover) and we danced for i swear a freaking hour. i got away from my girls somehow while i was with him. it's weird cause when i was with him, in a way i felt like all the feelings i once had for him rushed back to me. i wanted to dance with him and i liked being with him. but now. i feel nothing towards him hahaha. anyway somehow i met up withmy ladies again. haha and it was really cute when i went to tha bathroom with my girls cause i told him that he could go but he waited for me outside. it was nice cause this time around, he seemed more genuine and sincere...for a change.

then after michelle dragged me downstairs to look for "guys to kiss" hahahaha(yeah i guess that's what we do...) tha girls started dancing on tha podiummmm nd then i got down. nd started dancing with some bald dude. and tha fuckin guy STUCK HIS TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT. LIKE EW. WTF R U THINKING? and this man turns out to be 28!!! TWENTY FREAKING EIGHT. that's my BROTHER'S AGE!!!! and i swear i did NOT give this man my number...but this morning i wake up at 2 cos someone's callin. i pick up and its that guy!!!! holy shit...i need to relax when im drunk.

anyway went on the other podium with pornstarr and saw these 2 guys on the other podium. we waved them over and i started dancing with one of them...and i swear he was hella cute but i don't remmeber. michelle dragged me off and we went to tha other podium. and all us girls grinded on each other. hahaha went back upstairs and michelle started dancing with this guy. and some guy was dancing behind me all fuckin wack nd shit so i moved. then she just GRABBED some guy and made him grind on me. and he grabbed my ass like 3 times LOL but i pushed him off all 3 times nd he kept apologizing. and mr ass grabber aka trung got my #.

left with them...it was the cutest thing. he took care of me the entire way to the van cause i was quite drunk. and when we got to the van, he made sure i was in okay and told me to hold on and he went to help my girls get in the van. it was TOO cute...we ended up going to train on spadina and he CARRIED me to tha restaurant cause my feet were hurting. i felt so comfortable with him. too cute. and then MICHELLE and her TYSON boy had a fuckin HOT SAUCE eating contest. hahahah it was too hilarious.

we left the restaurant & went back to tha van. when we were walking, i was cold so he took off his shirt and gave it to me. awww he's so cute. haha trung & tyson ended up sitting in tha back with pornstarr & i. and we were squished so trung lifted me up and put him on his lap. i would rest my head on his and a few times he would turn and kiss me on tha cheek. oh man, he's too cute.

anyway, we end up getting home at 530 and pornstar & i stayed up till 8. my feet are swollen and STILL sore. jeez. what a fcukin night. definitely the best birthday i've had by far.

LOL this is fun...have you ever kissed anyone...

2005-09-02T09:16:52Z

1. on the cheek.
2. on the lips.
3. on the ears
4. on the nipples
5. on the forehead
6. on the nose
7. on the neck
8. on the feet
9. on their hands or fingers.
10. on their stomach
11. in my room.
12. in their room.
13. of the same sex.
14. of the opposite sex.
15. related to me. (moms)
16. younger than me.
17. older than me
18. with jet black hair.
19. with curly hair.
20. with blonde hair & blue eyes.
21. with flaming red hair.
22. with straight hair.
23. who is Jewish
24. who is Christian
25. who is Muslim
26. who is atheist
27. who is black
28. who is Hispanic (half)
29. who is Asian
30. who is gay
31. who is a lesbian
32. who is bisexual
33. who is a straight guy
34. who is a straight girl
35. who is hairy
36. who is smooth
37. who is skinny
38. who is fat
39. who you loved
40. who you lusted
41. who you hated
42. who is in your AIM/MSN list
43. who is in your LJ list
44. with bad breath
45. with a birthday on June
46. who didn't have their pants on
47. who was top-less
48. with a thong
49. in public
50. in church/mosque/synagogue/other
51. at school
52. during class
53. at prom/home coming/game
54. at work
55. in front of your parents
56. smaller/shorter than me.
57. bigger/taller than me.
58. with glasses
59. with my eyes open
60. in spin-the-bottle
61. with a lip ring.
62. who was drunk.
63. who threw up
64. who was high.
65. who I had just met.
66. who I didn't really want to kiss.
67. on a holiday.
68. who was going out with someone ~~close to me.~~
69. while you were going out with someone else
70. who was my good friend's brother or sister.
71. who had been/is in jail.
72. in a graveyard.
73. at a show/concert
74. who was legally too young/old for me to have sex with
75. with dyed hair.
76. with gum/mint in your mouth
77. with a shaved head.
78. who was/is my good friend
79. who was/is my best friend
80. who I used to go out with
81. in front of their ex
82. in front of your ex
83. in front of their boy/girlfriend
84. who was/is your crush
85. who was/is in a band.
86. who has tattoos.
87. who is of a completely different race than me.
88. who is bilingual
89. in the rain
90. in another continent besides where I was born.
91. with an accent.
92. with an std.
93. in a car/taxi/bus.
94. with a missing body part.
95. in the movies.
96. in the bathroom
97. in the library
98. eskimo style.
99. for longer than 5 minutes
100. just for the heck of it

my head hurts.

2005-09-02T09:08:11Z

Name:	Samantha Vuong
Birthdate:	September 12, 2005
Birthplace:	Doctor's Hospital, Toronto
Current Location:	Toronto
Eye Color:	Brown
Hair Color:	Red & Black
Height:	5'4
Weight:	105ish
Piercings:	5 ears, navel, and i want tha freaking labret
Tatoos:	getting one soon
Boyfriend/Girlfriend:	singular
Overused Phraze:	"LMAO"
*FAVORITES*
Food:	ummm duno...
Candy:	at the moment would be sour patch kids
Number:	16
Color:	green
Animal:	tigers
Drink:	ummm...pineapple. juice? ahaha
Alcohol Drink:	rum n coke at tha clubs
Bagel:	plain?
Letter:	uhh...lol
Body Part on Opposite sex:	the one that i dont have ;) HHAHAHAHA
*This or That*
Pepsi or Coke:	pepsi
McDonalds or BurgerKing:	mickey ds
Strawberry or Watermelon:	strawberries
Hot tea or Ice tea:	ice tea
Chocolate or Vanilla	chocolate
Hot Chocolate or Coffee:	hot chocolate
Kiss or Hug:	depends on who its from
Dog or Cat:	dog
Rap or Punk:	rap
Summer or Winter:	summer
Scary Movies or Funny Movies:	both
Love or Money:	love
*YOUR...*
Bedtime:	whenever
Most Missed Memory:	no comment
Best phyiscal feature:	...i love my hair hahahah
First Thought Waking Up:	let me go back to sleep
Goal for this year:	no more slacking
Best Friends:	ps & mhoy
Weakness:	rude? haha iduno
Fears:	heights
Heritage:	chinese & vietnamese
Longest relationship:	2 years 5 months
*HAVE YOU...*
Ever Drank:	yes
Ever Smoked:	...not ciggs
Pot:	yes
Ever been Drunk:	yes
Ever been beaten up:	no
Ever beaten someone up:	no
Ever Shoplifted:	no
Ever Skinny Dipped:	no
Ever Kissed Opposite sex:	yes
Been Dumped Lately:	...kinda? mutualish i guess
*IN A GUY/GIRL*
Favorite Eye Color:	brown
Favorite Hair Color:	any
Short or Long:	short
Height:	taller than me
Style:	urban...or whatever looks good
Looks or Personality:	personality
Hot or Cute	cute
Drugs and Alcohol:	sure
Muscular or Really Skinny:	muscular
*RANDOMS*
Number of Regrets in the Past:	three
What country do you want to Visit:	vietnam again
How do you want to Die:	i dont.
Been to the Mall Lately:	yesterday
Do you like Thunderstorms:	no
Get along with your Parents:	nope
Health Freak:	hell freaking naw
Do you think your Attractive:	hell freaking yeah! hahah jk
Believe in Yourself:	sometimes
Want to go to College:	university
Shower Daily:	OF COURSE
Been in Love:	yeah
Do you Sing:	sometimes
Want to get Married:	yeah
Do you want Children:	yeah
Have your future kids names planned out:	nope
Age you wanna lose your Virginity:	hahahahahaha
Hate anyone:	who doesn't
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

So today was a hell of a day...

2005-09-01T08:54:54Z

The day started with me waking up at 11:30 am. then falling asleep at 3...and waking up 4. got ready to go meet up with camille.
Reached queen street & eatons.. walked around. ran into mhoy & emjhay. then darryl nd his boy...lol got chopped by a dirty spanish boy hahaha.
after was supposed to reach narish's. missioned to keele nd wilson...then that flopped so we reached annie's house and got picked up to go to tonic with thai.
met up with tha btown boys & girls in tha line and we all decided to leave since it was so packed and we didnt wanna waste 20.
loafted in a damn parking lot for a while then ended up reaching train to eat.
dropped off 2 of tha guys nd den reached my house. watched stupid shows nd played stupid card games lol. was a good night overall.
eating dog legs.
eggs, milk, sour patches hahahaha
continuous white jokes
feeding my bunny to a snake
crazy eights, big 2, three card, 21
anyway. registration tomorrow. gnite everyone =)

inspiration helps

2005-08-31T21:04:25Z

"Hip hop is inherently political, the language is political. It uses language as a weapon -- not a weapon to violate or not a weapon to offend, but a weapon that pushes the envelope that provokes people, makes people think." - Todd Boyd

Something i found off someone's aa page that i found quite intriguing. and truth be told, hip hop definitely is a weapon more or less. but it is only the old school hip hop that provokes people to think. the "hip hop" we all hear today offends many. i never really listened to old school hip hop but someone got me into all the underground shit & i find it interesting how it compares. all this commercial shit, they talk about bitches and hoes, money, power, respect. and all this underground shit is all about life, what people don't possess, what certain people lack. at times, i wanna get into the minds of these lyricists and figure out what goes on through their consciences as the put these words to paper. whether or not they really believe in what they say... to write something so deep. to have something so intriguing come out of yourself...it must be real. i am envious of people who can put such powerful words to paper.... to be continued.

a bit of a hang over

2005-08-31T16:13:06Z

so yesterday, tony picks me up with john nd charlie to go get my tatt. but unfortunately it was a bit too late. so we ended up going up to fairview and walked around looking for bags. got my belly pierced. AGAIN. picked up this girl from work...then went drinking in ktown. bleh. hang over. lol was fun overall though. hungry and tired and headaching.

love kills

2005-08-30T21:33:28Z

what more can i say? i've tried to talk to you time and time again. i wanna work it out between you & i. You really hurt me you know that? more than you'll know i guess. i really didn't think that it would hurt me so much because it didn't last very long...but it has scarred me much more than a lot of relationships i've had in the past. i guess it's because i really did like you and i really did wanna take things further with you. i opened up my heart to you because you said you wouldn't hurt me. you lied to me...
you keep telling me that we'll talk things over, but whenever you call. we don't talk. whenever i try to ask you things, we don't talk. it's not fair. you seem untouched by all this...and i'm here. all alone. and upset. what more can i do? i tried to be with you...i really did try. i mean, at the beginning of everything, i would come and see you. i made the effort to plan the days we would see each other. so i stopped after realizing that you didn't ever make the effort. and results? we haven't seen each other for three weeks now.
for a while, you still called me baby, still told me you missed me...now it's like you don't even care about me. we were together. now we're not. and it's absolutely no problem to you. i seem like the only who is even the least bit bothered by this.
you've taught me to never put my heart in anything. you've showed me never to trust anyone regardless of how much i really want to. you told me you would never hurt me...seems that isn't so...

and i guess the feelings you still have towards her also plays a big role in this whole situation. no matter how much you say she isn't a part of your life anymore. no matter how much you say you don't care about her anymore. i can tell when you talk about her. i can tell by the look in your eyes. i can tell that she still means almost the world to you. and at any chance possible...you would go back to her. and at this point, i know you want to go back to her. even though she hurt you, you still love her. i guess we shouldn't have rushed into things...and i guess i should have seen this coming all along. i mean, from the very beginning...i already knew that you still had feelings for her. but stubborn as i am, i pushed those feelings away. pushed those thoughts away. didn't follow what my heart told me...and instead, i ignored all the advice from my conscience and i went to be with you. i continued to see you over and over again. and really, i began to fall for you. now i wish i had listened to all the signs... i guess a part of me had already seen all this coming...but i was too stubborn to save myself.

and it may as well be one of the worst feelings in the world...feeling like you're not good enough. you're never gonna be as much as she was to him. and this doesn't only go for me.. this is more of a general statement to the public. it sucks to know that she was everything to him, and though he may be trying to make YOU everything, you can still see from the look in his eye that she still means everything. and it's no fun having to outdo someone that you almost know that you can never compare to. i guess it's karma in a way...because i will never compare to her and he will never love her as much as he loved me. and of all the people reading this, you're all pretty confused with that statement but no one needs to understand but myself.
it also sucks to care about someone who doesn't even give you the time of day. i mean, you do all the little things for them. change your hair once in a while, try to get them to notice you a little more, and you got nothing. not even a "you look pretty today". and feeling unwanted? oh boy...what more can i say about this? in situations where you feel overwhelmed with feelings you can't control, but at the same time the feelings are not returned...it sucks. it hurts. and it's extremely painful to watch... i don't feel like writing anymore. this is depressing.

i really did care for him. i really thought that this one could work...because i actually fell for him. i wanted to be with him...and now i'm left all alone. on friend status. i don't wanna be your friend. i don't wanna know you anymore. i'm so hurt by everything...i just want someone to save me from all this. you ain't even half as hurt as i am. you told me so much and i believed all your bullshit. and now it's time for me to get up back on my feet and move on...
never again will i put myself into that vulnerable stage. never again will i open up my heart to anyone. never again will i share my feelings the way i shared them with you. thank you, once more, for all that you have brought into my life. now, i know never to trust anyone.

what an interesting day....

2005-08-29T08:10:11Z

so i wake up at 3, realizing i gotta shower, get ready and leave to get to yorkdale at 330 to meet up with darryl. ended up getting there at 430. haha how unfortunate for him. im sorry dood. walked around the mall...and all i bought was food ahha.

reached home and somebody picked me up...and guess what. i was almost fuckin RAPED. holy...thank god bill came to pick me up... reached andy's and we chilled for a while with a bunch of ppl i haven't seen for a long time. bleh...thank you thai for picking me up. you're tha greatest...

busy week ahead of me. gone to bed.

it's funny how much you can hide with a fake smile...

2005-08-28T07:07:25Z

you can never really understand what your heart wants until something has taken away that special thing that it longs for. i don't really know what i'm feeling right now...but i'm stuck in between two worlds. both, i'm too afraid to step into. i'm afraid to give myself to someone completely cause i fear the pain i will go through if they hurt me. i'm afraid to be alone because i'm insecure and i need someone there to stabilize me...

what if i never find someone that will care about me enough to make the effort? or if i do find that someone, but i don't seem to be able to feel real with him? i feel like everytime i get close with someone, i point out things that are wrong with them so i could just push them away without fear of getting hurt.

i'm scared to find someone i really care about deeply because i'm afraid that they won't stay. because i found someone before, but after 2 and a half years of loving him, he drifted away. he's nothing more than a distant memory in my mind and an imprint on my heart and soul. i loved him, and i will never stop. but we have both fell out of love for each other. Regardless of how much i may end up feeling for someone new, i will never ever tell them that they are my first love. because i know that would be a lie.

i fear finding one that i care so much about, and have the same thing happen again. i can't bare to lose another person i care about. i feel like locking up my heart forever...but at the same time. i'm so afraid of being by myself. my self esteem has dropped dramaticallly...i've noticed.

it seems as though i just sit here and look upon my life, seeing nothing great coming in the future. i see this straight line to the end with no more highlights. no matter how much people tell me i deserve a lot...i just don't feel it in my heart. i really don't wanna say this...but i don't feel like anyone can ever love me for who i am. i don't feel like anyone will ever fully accept me for who i am. no one will never see me for the real me...but only the girl who's always happy and carefree. that girl that has no problems.

i just wanna love again...but i don't wanna be hurt. i wanna be able to do the things that couples do. i wanna have someone to hold, someone to call my own, someone to cherish, and someone to love. i wanna take pictures and smile with real smiles, go places holding hands... i want all of that...

and personally, i think my self esteem has dropped simply because i felt like he was hiding me. like he was ashamed of me. like he didn't want anyone to know i was his girl... never held my hand in public. still had a single status. never wanted to take pictures... and as little as these problems may seem, it really hurt me a hell of a lot. and there was a specific time i remember...that broke my heart...but i don't wanna think about it...

i don't know if i'll ever get the feelings i once felt back again...i don't know if i'll ever feel real love again...because i'm too afraid to let go...but also too afraid to be alone....

random thoughts

2005-08-20T00:16:04Z

There`s this bond between two people who have been together that goes unsaid. This bond that you make that`s never to be broken regardless of how the two of you end up. This bond that keeps what was between the two of you between the two of you. This bond keeps what was said & done in the past & never to be brought up again. And I believe in this bond. Because regardless of what happened, the things you told me will never be repeated again. I will continue to keep your secrets, even if I despise you & could use them against you. Even if I could ruin you with just a few words, I refuse to. Because at one point in life, you meant a lot to me. I will never break that bond. Never. This doesn`t go out to anyone in particular...more of a "goes out to everyone" in my past kinda thing.

To Sara & Kyle. Though you guys will never see this, I just wanna thank you both. Being in the presence of love really gave me the faith that one day I can feel it again, too. Up until yesterday at the reception, I felt that I would never feel the way I once did again. I thought that I could never love the same way again. But just seeing Sara & Kyle at their wedding, it almost brought tears to my eyes. Even though I was never close to Sara, I felt overwhelmed with happiness for her that she found someone she could share such deep, special bond with. It was so cute, because every time I looked at them, they would be smiling. They were so genuinely happy with one another that it was more than touching to even just be sitting there in front of them. As we watched the video of him popping the question, I felt tears well up in my eyes. & now, whenever I hear this song, I feel the hope and I feel like I share a part of their love just because I was in their presence of that special day. Listening to the words in this song...it brings back so many memories & emotions, but what it brings the most is my faith and hope in being able to love again.
"Now nothing can take you away from me..." It`s like, you`ve had so many problems in your relationship but one day you wake up, and you realize none of it matters. None of the arguments matter, none of the disagreements, none of the small things. All that matters is that the two of you are together. When they looked into each others eyes, you could see that spark between them. & though they`ve been together for years on end, you can see and literally feel that love they have towards one another. It touches my heart on a million different levels just seeing how happy they were together. & one day, I hope I can find a love like theirs.

funny how you say one thing and mean another...

2005-08-17T03:59:37Z

it's almost pathetic how hard people will try and how far they would go to try and ruin other people's happiness. pathetic how low people will sink to try to break a great thing so they could get it themselves. i mean, someone goes and text messages me & tells me shit that they think will piss me off. which of course it did, but it didn't piss me off the way they wanted it to.

but what's bothering me the most is that i seem to be the only one who cares about it. and i'm trippin out over this because i realized something myself. you know, to some this may seem like a minor thing and you might think that i'm over reacting, but seriously, to be hurt so many times that i've been hurt, everything means that much more to me. i don't wanna be fucked around with.

if i'm gonna be with you, i wanna be with you and only you. i don't need any strings attached. if someone hates seeing us together that much, then maybe you have some unfinished business with her that you hafta finish. i don't want any drama strung on to this relationship, i've had enough from my past...i don't need any more. and unfortunately, if that means that i won't see you for a while, then i guess that's how it's g'on be. you need to talk to her & figure shit out between the two of you because from where i stand, i see that there's still something going on. there are still feelings between you two and there's still something there. or else why would she need to call me??? if i supposedly got a message from someone that had her number, i wouldn't call if i had no feelings for you. you need to go and fix things with her before you move on with me. i'm not blind and it hurts. i know that there are still emotions and feelings deep down inside of you for her. and regardless of how many times you tell me you won't hurt me, and regardless of how much i wanna believe you, i just can't. simply because i got that woman's intuition that's telling me that there is still something between the two of you. but what they said was right, it really doesn't seem like you wanna share it with the world. & i guess that's why i'm kinda shady towards you sometimes, cause you're shady ABOUT me. i don't know what more to say besides that it sucks. i don't even feel like i'm your girlfriend. it's like, we're together when we're alone, but we're not when there are people there. i feel as if i'm being hidden, or as if you're ashamed, or that you just wanna hide this from someone. i don't know what it is, but i'm deeply hurt by it. and obviously, you're absolute oblivious to what my feelings are no matter how many hints i drop. you don't listen. you don't take in what i tell you. i don't know what else i can do. i don't wanna be hurt and played around with. that's all i ask...and shit seems hella sketchy so iuno what to believe...

...

2005-08-13T02:20:57Z

why has no one swept me off my feet yet...? they all just...come and go like nothing but a memory in the back of my mind...

t.n. you're such a sweet heart though, regardless of what you do. i'll talk to you when things are in better situations for the both of us.

systems asian school girl event

2005-08-12T11:40:15Z

had work till 730 and WALKED my ass to queen to pick up something i didn't even use. met up with karen who lent me her id. ( THANK YOU SO MUCH ) and then met up with ps. reached home. got ready and tony & his boys (vu & john) picked us up. went to mickey d's & timmies. FINALLY reachin systems at around 12. by passed line and got BOOKED for my id cause the bouncer knew karen LOL but he let me in anyway. ran into shaun & emil in tha line...then saw emjhay & rose right when i got inside. & trung...and VIVIAN that hot girl! lol anyway...systems was completely doin it.

it's so different. the whole scene & environment. i LOVE 19+. had 2 shots and like 4-5 rum&cokes. ahhh i was feeling tha music. thank you tony & john for EVERYTHING tonight. we're taking you out next time. ON US. but we ain't ballin so we won't be pulling out any 100 dollar bills. lol

so it's 5 in tha morning...

2005-08-10T09:22:13Z

& like usual, i'm STILL up cause i can't seem to put myself to sleep. been thinking a lot lately about what i want, what i need, what i should be doing. got myself a decent job that i don't mind going to. friends...they're there. not much more i can say bout that. and boyfriend...haaaaaa...so this is where the problem is. boyfriend or homie? hmm...i'm still trying to figure that one out. i mean, i call him my boyfriend...but i don't feel it. we do tha things that couples do. we see each other ever so often, we hug & kiss, we're on tha fone everyday. whatever, the basics that make two people a "couple". yet, i don't feel as though i could call him & ask him whatup. where he's at, what he's doing. i don't feel like, i could hold his hand when we're in public. i don't feel like, he treats me like his girl. what I do feel is that i'm sorta being hidden. he's introduced me to his sisters, his moms, his grams, his boys, his girls...whatever. but im juss not getting tha vibe that i'm HIS GIRL. know what i'm sayin? anyhow, i guess i'm just thinking about this all just a bit too hard?

anyway, moving along...so after work on thursday, gonna be reaching systems with tha ladies. school girl night...time to bring out tha kilt and skank it up a little bit hahaha. gonna be good hopefully. then justin's dj competition on friday. hopefully i can get a ride home from that or i'm fucked. annnnd saturday is sarah's wedding. chillage with tha btownerrrs prolly. bleh whatever i'm in a stupid mood right now. going to bed.

it hurts...to be afraid to get hurt.

2005-08-07T20:30:18Z

we seem to always fear the inevitable. knowing that it cannot be changed, we're still afraid of it. it's an unnecessary fear we all cannot run or hide from.

that bad feeling i seem to keep having. i've finally figured it out....

i don't feel like i'm your girlfriend. instead, i feel like i'm your homegirl. when we're alone, i feel like your girl. in front of anyone/everyone else, i feel like just another broad. it hurts. & i don't know how to make it go away...